נשלח: 01 אפריל 2011, 11:40
Jewish American Mother's Answering Machine:
If you want chicken soup, press 1;
If you want matzo balls with the soup, press 2;
If you want varnishkas, dial 3;
If you want knishes press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling
the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.
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Last Wishes
A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests.
She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated,
and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over the shopping mall.
"Why the shopping mall?" asked the rabbi.
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
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No Pressure!
A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.
The father says, "Son, think of it this way...
If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."
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PHILANTHROPY
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium.
He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.
He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz,
the famous Talmudic scholar?"
"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."
"Never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check", replied the guide.
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LAMBORGHINI
A Jewish man buys a Lamborghini.
However, after buying it, he feels a bit guilty,
so he goes to the Rabbi of the Orthodox synagogue in his town and asks for a Mezuzah for the Lamborghini.
"You want a Mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" , asks the Rabbi.
"A car, an Italian sports car.."
"What? That is blasphemy!", the Rabbi shouts. "You want a Mezuzah for a sports car?
Go to the Conservatives!"
Well, the man is disappointed, but he waits a few days
and finally goes to the Conservative Rabbi and asks for a Mezuzah.
"You want a Mezuzah for what?", the Rabbi asks.
"It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, an Italian sports car."
"What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a Mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Reform!"
Again the man feels guilty and disappointed, but finally he breaks down and goes to the Reform Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he asks, "I'd like a Mezuzah for my Lamborghini."
"You have a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"You know what it is?" says the man.
"Of course, it's a fantastic Italian sports car. What's a Mezuzah?"
l
If you want chicken soup, press 1;
If you want matzo balls with the soup, press 2;
If you want varnishkas, dial 3;
If you want knishes press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling
the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last Wishes
A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests.
She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated,
and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over the shopping mall.
"Why the shopping mall?" asked the rabbi.
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
No Pressure!
A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.
The father says, "Son, think of it this way...
If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
PHILANTHROPY
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium.
He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.
He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz,
the famous Talmudic scholar?"
"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."
"Never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check", replied the guide.
--------------------------------------------------------
LAMBORGHINI
A Jewish man buys a Lamborghini.
However, after buying it, he feels a bit guilty,
so he goes to the Rabbi of the Orthodox synagogue in his town and asks for a Mezuzah for the Lamborghini.
"You want a Mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" , asks the Rabbi.
"A car, an Italian sports car.."
"What? That is blasphemy!", the Rabbi shouts. "You want a Mezuzah for a sports car?
Go to the Conservatives!"
Well, the man is disappointed, but he waits a few days
and finally goes to the Conservative Rabbi and asks for a Mezuzah.
"You want a Mezuzah for what?", the Rabbi asks.
"It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, an Italian sports car."
"What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a Mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Reform!"
Again the man feels guilty and disappointed, but finally he breaks down and goes to the Reform Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he asks, "I'd like a Mezuzah for my Lamborghini."
"You have a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"You know what it is?" says the man.
"Of course, it's a fantastic Italian sports car. What's a Mezuzah?"
l